What if it's Awesome?
Our son graduated from high school last weekend. I've talked about him before, so I'll resist doing so here. I'll just say this: He's a fantastic kid with a giant heart of gold and we love him to pieces.
We sent Nick to a small, local preschool run by idealistic free-thinkers, just the kind of people I love. It was the type of school where the kids grew vegetables, where a class cooked lunches for the students, and where the play-sets were called "adventure ships." It was the alternative style of education that as a public educator, I've idealized and envied.
Long story short, my husband and I had a tough decision to make when Nick was old enough to attend kindergarten. Would we keep him in the little school that we cherished so deeply, or would we move him to the public school, commit our money to his college fund, and give him the public school experiences that we both had?
Believe me, the choice was not easy. Not in the least. Dave and I toured the public elementary school, solicited advice from our family therapist, and talked to friends. The therapist's own children attended the public school, and she calmed our nerves immensely.
We were concerned about the attention and care Nick would receive. We had a right to be concerned: he was a tough child, behaviorally speaking. He was easily frustrated and quick to throw tantrums. In his first few years of life, Dave and I swallowed our pride over and over as we carried Nick kicking and screaming out of public places. Just ask friends and family, many of whom witnessed these things or who judged us for leaving parties at 6 p.m. to have Nick home and asleep by 7.
The therapist assured us that Nick would be okay. She turned us on to this gem of a book which helped us learn how to parent Nick best. We white knuckled it each day, barely holding onto our sanity, dodging side-eyes from strangers in public places, and holding faith that a boatload of love, techniques from the book, and consistent parenting would eventually pay off.
So, you can imagine how hard it was to take the leap from small and nurturing to public and _______________. I don't even know what to put in the blank now, writing this post 13 year hence. Public and cold? Public and impersonal? Public and uninspired? Back then, I held judgements about public school without any evidence other than my own skewed perception. Because small and idealistic seemed so right to us, my natural assumption was that public had to be its polar opposite.
We sent Nick to public school knowing that we could always re-enroll him in the private school.
We couldn't have been more wrong.
Nick wound up having a great year, and then twelve more great years. He made loads of friends, functioned really well on the public school schedule, and responded to his teachers' behavioral incentives and consequences. Not every day was rosy, but his tantrums became fewer and fewer as he matured into the incredible human that he is today. Now, we rarely think of the difficult parts of parenting him and only think of the great parts which are 99.999% of the time.
Nick is going to attend college in the fall, and just like when he left the safety and familiarity of the little school, I'm entertaining a thousand fears. But you know what? I've matured, too, and now I know something incredible that I'll share in a minute. Let me digress to share a beautiful thought with you.
I don't know where I originally heard this, but I think of it often:
How you go into a thing is how you experience the thing.
So true, right? When I go into a thing with dread and fear, I experience dread and fear. When I go into a thing with lightheartedness and joy, I experience lightheartedness and joy.
Knowing that, I apply the thinking to as many situations as I can. (It doesn't work with taxes or auto repair, though.)
That truth led me to apply this question to situations that scare me:
Yeah, but what if it's awesome?
As Nick is preparing to go away to college, I have a thousand fears about how it will all go. I'm not going to list them here because this is a happy post, not a sad one. When I catch myself getting worked up at the unknowns, or entertaining scary scenarios in my head about things that haven't happened (and won't happen), I flip it around and say this instead:
Yeah, but what if it's awesome?
What if Nick and his roommate hit it off? What if he feels so happy and at home that he calls us beaming, ready to share good news? What if he bonds with his professors and really likes what he's studying? What if he discovers new and incredible parts of himself as he grows through this experience? WHAT IF IT'S AWESOME?
A dear student of mine just graduated. Before she left, we talked about her experience in high school. She told me about how she had really messed up in 8th grade, how she came to my school as a new student, how she didn't know anyone her freshman year, and how I helped her feel safe, welcome, and happy. We remained close through her four years, and now she's going to college--THE FIRST ONE IN HER FAMILY! How incredible! Anyway, she was sharing about how she'll attend orientation in June, how scared she is to meet people, how she might get lost, etc. She said, "What if I don't like my roommate?"
Guess what I said?
"Yeah, but what if you do?"
What if you do like your roommate? What if you do connect? What if you don't connect, and it's still ok? What if it's so great that it blows your expectations out of the water?
See, each is just as true as the other.
Oh no, what if I don't like my roommate? is just as true as Wow, what if I really like my roommate?
Neither has happened; they are both projections. In one, you are entering the experience with negativity and fear. In the other, you are entering the experience with optimism and hope. Both are true; just pick the one that's better.
Flipping your thinking to ask, "Yeah, but what if it's awesome" allows you some room to imagine something good happening. It allows you to experience what it feels like to be successful, happy, and confident. It allows you to entertain the word "can" instead of "will." Feeling those things creates momentum, and momentum creates more of the same. And snap, just like that, you are less afraid and more open to joy, fun, and goodness.
Because this is a topic that I feel passionate about, I recorded a podcast to explore it further. You can take a quick listen or play it for your students. I hope you and your students find it motivating. If you do, please leave a comment here and share it with someone who could use it.
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Much love to you, brave hearts.
XO,
Meredith